


Just say the word I'll stay

by charlottefrey



Series: Under your skin - Body Mod AU [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Body Mod AU, M/M, Rally AU, Suicide mention, but it gets better, but nothing too graphic, everyone supports Hux, no suicide romantisation, this is a little sadder than usual, written by someone who's actually depressed too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:40:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21846835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottefrey/pseuds/charlottefrey
Summary: Memories are unearthed, discussions are had and tear will be shed. Phasma relieves her memories from Hux' accident and it results in her pondering on a few things. Attempting to support her, Rae consoles her. A picture from his youth brings Hux unease, but Kylo is quick so support him.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Armitage Hux/Kylo Ren
Series: Under your skin - Body Mod AU [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/977238
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Just say the word I'll stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FrankyOh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrankyOh/gifts).



> Ahoy! This one is for FrankyOh. Because without them I wouldn't have written more for one of my most favourite AUs. 
> 
> This one is a little bit sad, but not really h/c (?) idk. I have tried to keep shit as vague as possible, since I a) did not wish to trigger anyone and b) have not really any intention on delving too deep into some issues here. Also c) had not intention of triggering myself. 
> 
> Have fun anyway, because there is a little bit of happy in the end!!! Maybe even reason enough to write more!
> 
> Chapter title taken again from Royal Republic Lyrics.

Phasma ran a hand over the warped steel of Brendon’s Porsche. 

Her whole body was icy and she felt like she was falling into a pit that opened below her. Still she was able to plant one foot before the other and walk around the wreckage without stumbling. With shaking fingers she trailed over the remaining bits of the rear windshield. 

She drew a shaky breath. 

The room was spinning more now and she felt the bile rise in her throat as she stared at the ruined car in front of her. Gripping the wing in front of her she wheezed for breath and there was a moment where she strained for air, but felt unable to get any into her burning lungs. 

A hand wrapped around her shoulder pulled Phasma against a solid body. Rae’s lips pressed against her forehead and she felt the other woman draw a deep breath. 

“Breathe in. Do it like me,” Rae said softly. “Follow my lead. Can you do that?” 

Phasma nodded and clung to her trainer as she slowly caught her breath again. All the while, Rae gently brushed over her shoulder and whispered words into Phasma’s scalp. 

“Will he make it?” Phasma whispered as she dried her tears. 

“I’m sure the doctors are doing their best,” Rae said calmly. “Armitage is a bit more resilient than what you give him credit for.” 

“It’s not that,” Phasma sobbed out and reached for her phone, hands shaking. “He- he called me and left a voice message.” 

Rae took the phone, a terrifyingly knowing expression on her face. 

  
  


Phasma twirled her thumbs as she sat in the sun outside the mechanic’s den. There was little traffic, both human and motorized, on a Monday morning at the track. And that was how Phasma liked it. 

“Hey there,” Rae said suddenly and Phasma looked up. 

“Hi,” she muttered and moved aside to let Rae sit down on the small bench. 

“How’s life?” 

“It’s… okay.” 

“Sounds vaguely evasive,” Rae chuckled. 

“You know… I found my old phone. From back then. Because I’m packing for my move right now, I find all sorts of old shit. But… that phone,” Phasma took a deep breath, almost choking on the sudden intake of air. “I don’t know,” she whispered. 

Rae reached over and took Phasma’s hand. 

“I get it.” 

For a few moments the world is spinning slower, the air is moving around the two women sluggishly and the sun’s light is dimmed. Then the feeling that’s suppressing them evaporates and lessens it’s grip on them. 

“Baby,” Rae said, and now her voice too is heavy. “It’s fine.” 

Phasma sobbed and fell against Rae’s shoulder. A hand brushed over the crown of her head and she felt Rae’s heavy sigh blow over her forehead. 

“I just-” Phasma gasps “-just wonder how things could’ve been. Would’ve been.” 

“It’s no use.” 

“But…” 

“It’s no use,” Rae’s voice is firmer now, authoritative. “You’re only hurting yourself with these kinds of thoughts. He’s here and we all have to thank the heavens and the doctors for that.” 

“Yes,” Phasma replied, a defiant tone in her voice. “I just… Can’t  _ help _ it you know?” 

“I get it,” Rae said softer now. “I get it. But it’s only harmful, you understand that? Thinking about the possibilities will only make the pain worse. It’s like asking what would’ve happened if I hadn’t made it through the army. It’s no use. Don’t spill tears over the past and what-if’s, it will make looking into the future only harder.” 

“Yeah,” Phasma whispered. “Yeah.” 

“He’s here and he has Kylo and he has us. He won’t leave anytime soon and he won’t hurt himself again. It wasn’t easy for any of us, least of all Brenny. There will be more problems in the future, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.” 

Phasma nodded slowly against Rae’s shoulder and sighed. The sun was warming them and for the moment the world was alright. 

  
  


Hux trailed a finger over the picture he found while he sorted through some of his old memories. 

“What’s that?” Kylo leaned against him. 

“My dad’s Porsche 911.” 

“The one you crashed with?” Kylo asked, his tone carefully picked carefully.

Hux only hummed in agreement. They sat there for a minute and Hux listened to Kylo’s breathing. It was soothing and relaxing and he found himself calming slowly. 

“Wanna keep it?” Kylo asked softly. 

“I really don’t know,” Hux said and inhaled shakily. “It’s a memory.” 

“A bad one,” Kylo held against. “And I can feel it makes you think of horrible and sad things. I don’t like it.” 

He gently kissed the top of Hux’ head. They remain for a while sitting in the midst of Hux’ living room, an opened box by their side and several piles of things to be thrown away or given to charity around them.

“Yes,” Hux finally agreed. “A bad one. And that’s why I kind of want to keep it. Just to remember that there was a time where I wasn’t…” 

“But why?” Kylo muttered. “You haven’t kept you uniform from the academy and you haven’t kept your father’s letters. Why keep this?” 

“It’s part of my history,” Hux replied, voice tight and chest constricted. “It’s part of who I am.” 

“You have your surgery scar to remind you of that. Of  _ that _ part of your history. And you cannot throw your scar out just like that,” Kylo trailed a hand down Hux’ side, right above the long surgical scar. 

Where the doctors had set his rips and sewn his pleura back together. Where the memories of pain and rehab were at home. 

Hux knew Kylo was right, but there was something inside of him that rebelled at the thought of throwing that picture out. 

It showed Rae, his father and himself standing beside the car. It was after one of his first races and it had been something utterly special. He had been so proud back then. 

“It’s not the memory of the crash I want to keep. It’s the memory of what was before that,” Hux explained. “The races I did, the training I underwent with Rae.” 

“Why don’t you give the picture to Rae. Let her decide what to do with it.”

“That’s a good idea,” Hux whispered and sighed, closing his eyes. 

  
  


Rae rolled her pen through her fingers. 

“What are you looking so grumpy for?” Maz asked. 

“Kylo brought this over,” Rae lifted the picture off the shiny surface of her table. “Said Hux didn’t know what to do with that and that I should decide what to do with it.” 

“Well…” Maz took the framed picture from Rae’s hands and inhaled deeply. “I would keep it. Not in the forefront maybe, but I’d keep it.” 

Rae pulled a face and turned her chair to face her wife properly. For a few moments the two looked at each other. 

“You don’t like it.” 

“No. Because of the hurt this piece of shit put Armitage through. And consequently also Phasma and the two of us,” Rae said firmly. “I do not want to be reminded of his presence, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.” 

Maz nodded and held the picture. 

“I’ll leave it with you and you figure out what to do with it.” 

  
  
  


“It’s different,” Phasma said quietly. “It  _ feels _ different.”

Hux hummed in agreement as he looked at the array of pictures in front of him. In a unsuspecting silver frame was the picture Hux had given to Rae a few weeks prior. 

“What are you two looking so glum about,” Maz wrapped her hand around the crook of Phasma’s elbow. 

“It’s just that picture,” Hux replied and sighed.

“Yes, but it doesn’t draw much attention to itself in this mass of photographs, don’t you think?” Maz said with a decided nod. “Rae has asked by the way when you plan on teaching Kylo the ins and outs of rally racing.” 

“Oh lord,” Hux said and laughed. “I really don’t know. He’s just so busy in the last few days and to be honest, I don’t know when I will manage to drag him out of the shop.” 

“Oh well,” Maz chuckled. “Phasma, I have a few things I’d like to discuss with you.” 

With that, she dragged the other woman aside, leaving Hux behind. He looked at the other pictures, all of more or less successful rally racers Rae had trained over the years. 

“Hey honey,” Kylo whispered into his ear. “Wanna go outside for a moment?” 

“Yeah, it’s quite loud in here,” Hux agreed and followed Kylo onto the balcony overlooking the race track. 

Walking to the far end of it, Kylo wrapped an arm around Hux’ shoulders and pulled him close. The couple stood against the handrail for a moment, basking in the silence surrounding them. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t spent much time with you,” Kylo muttered quietly against the crown of Hux’ head. “Work’s been crazy recently.” 

“I understand Kylo,” Hux said gently. “I haven’t exactly been there for you either.” 

For a moment the two of them remained silent. The sun was warming them and Hux felt at peace. 

“Hux,” Kylo took a shaky breath. “You know I have been thinking for a while… We… It’s not like we ever discussed this and I don’t want to jump this on you, but… I really want to spend the rest of my life with you.” 

Hux swallowed. 

“I love you like crazy and I am still amazed that you love me back. I care for you like no one else ever before. There’s nothing I wouldn’t try to make you happy.” 

Pulling away from Kylo, Hux looked into his face. There was a vulnerability in his expression and Kylo’s eyes jumped across Hux’ face. 

“You are really the best thing that has happened to me,” Hux breathed out. 

“So…” 

“Yes,” Hux sobbed. “Of course.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and giving kudos! Please leave a comment, it motivates writers (as you can see ;) )!


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